What does a lost inheritance have to do with… your break-up?;
What connection could there possibly be between a family dispute over an inheritance and a break-up that takes place twenty or thirty years later?;
At first glance, absolutely none.
One concerns money, property and legal proceedings. The other concerns love, trust and human relationships.
And yet, through my work with systemic representation, I have found that the connection between the two is often much deeper than one might imagine.
I do not mean to suggest that a family dispute “causes” a break-up. Nor do I mean to suggest that everyone who experiences difficulties in their relationships is carrying family trauma. Human relationships are complex and influenced by many factors.
There are, however, cases where an emotion that remained unresolved in one generation seems to resurface, in a different form, in the next.
And this is perhaps the most striking feature of the systemic representation.
The event does not necessarily happen again.
The experience is repeated.
The story of a man who always felt… second best
Some time ago, a man came to a session who had grown tired of constantly going through the same pattern.
It didn’t matter how different his relationships were.
It didn’t matter if his companions had different personalities or led different lifestyles.
The ending always seemed the same.
In almost every serious relationship, a third person would turn up.
Sometimes she was his partner’s mother.
Other times, a friend.
Sometimes an ex-partner.
Alternatively, a family member.
One person was gaining more and more influence in the relationship.
The balance of power was shifting.
And in the end, he was left on the sidelines.
Relationships were falling apart, but what hurt him most was not the break-up.
It was the feeling.
The feeling that someone else had taken his place.
That he could no longer fit in.
That he had been eliminated.
«It’s not normal for this to keep happening»
That was the first thing he said to me.
«It can’t be a coincidence. It can’t be that every time, someone turns up who ends up influencing everything.»
Indeed.
When a pattern keeps recurring, it is worth exploring it.
Not because it is certain that there is a specific explanation.
But why is it that repetition often suggests that something deeper is seeking recognition?.
The news that nobody saw coming
As the systemic representation progressed, a family history emerged which, until then, he had considered unrelated to his problem.
His mother had been disinherited.
Not just in financial terms.
She had effectively been cut off from her father’s family.
He had lost not only his wealth, but also his sense of belonging.
He had not been recognised.
He had not been vindicated.
For years, he had been carrying the burden of that experience.
The son never lost his fortune
And yet…
He missed something else.
His position.
In every significant relationship, he felt that someone else was taking his place.
That someone else was more important.
That someone else was making the decisions.
He did not repeat the draw.
He kept repeating the block.
And this is a distinction that we often encounter in systemic representation.
The situation is changing.
The feeling remains.
When the family “speaks” through its motifs
According to the philosophy of systemic representation, every member of a family has their place within the system.
When someone is excluded, forgotten or treated unfairly, an imbalance is created.
This approach argues that, in certain cases, subsequent generations may unconsciously express this imbalance through their own experiences.
Not because they are doomed.
Not because there is some sort of «curse».
But because an important family event never found its place in the family history.
It is important to clarify that this represents the perspective of systemic representation and does not constitute a scientifically substantiated mechanism that explains all human difficulties.
It’s not just about inheritances
This story was prompted by a draw.
It could, however, relate to any significant family event.
A man who was cast out by his family.
A child who was not recognised.
An ancestor who died young and was never mentioned.
A major economic disaster.
A break-up full of bitterness.
A loss that was never mourned.
In systemic representation, each such story can serve as a point of exploration when recurring patterns are observed in subsequent generations.
Why is understanding often not enough?;
I have met many people who know exactly why they struggle in their relationships.
They are capable of self-analysis.
To explain their fears.
To describe their childhood experiences.
And yet…
When they fall in love again, they react in exactly the same way.
Knowledge is valuable.
However, this does not mean that it is always enough to change a deeply ingrained pattern.
The systemic approach takes a different view of the issue.
It is not limited to storytelling.
It is an experiential process that allows relationships, dynamics and emotions to emerge which often cannot be grasped through logical analysis alone.
Could this apply to you too?;
Ask yourself…
Have you noticed the same pattern repeating itself in different relationships?;
Do you feel like you’re always left until last?;
That they’re choosing someone else?;
That you find it difficult to maintain a stable relationship, even though it’s only the people involved who change?;
Or does the same pattern crop up in your finances, at work, or even in your friendships?;
That doesn’t necessarily mean that the cause lies within your family.
Perhaps, however, it is worth exploring whether there is a story that has not yet been told.
When history changes, so does life
One of the most important aims of systemic representation is not to change the past.
That’s impossible.
It is about changing our relationship with the past.
People who were once excluded should be recognised.
To give a place to those who have been marginalised.
Let a descendant cease to unconsciously bear a burden that may not belong to them.
For many people, this realisation marks the beginning of a different path.
Not because other people are changing.
But why does the perspective from which they relate to the world change?.
Could it be that you were the one who started the problem?;
If you feel as though your life is constantly repeating the same chapter, perhaps it’s worth stopping to ask yourself not just:
«What am I doing wrong?»
And here’s a different question:
«What story might be repeating itself through me?»
Sometimes, the answer isn’t to be found among your last few options.
It’s part of a story that began long before you were born.
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