Infidelity, for anyone who experiences it, is like an earthquake. The foundations of trust are broken, security disappears, and often love seems to be gone for good. Most people when faced with infidelity are looking for answers: «Why did he do that to me? What is it to me? Can he change?»
At this point the systemic representation offers a completely different way of looking at the problem. It is not only interested in «who betrayed whom», but in the Box in which infidelity was born. It's like looking at a photograph that until now was cropped: you could only see two faces, when in fact there were other people around them, old events and hidden stories affecting the relationship without you knowing it.
1. What is systemic representation?;
The systemic representation is a method that helps us to see clearly the invisible connections that exist within a family or a relationship. Think of it like a thread: when you pull one end, the whole ball of yarn moves. So it is in relationships; we carry not only ourselves, but also experiences, secrets, fears or patterns that belong to our parents, our grandparents, and even events that happened before we were born.
In a session, the therapist helps you to «set up» this inner system. Sometimes with people (representatives), sometimes with objects in space. Where until yesterday you only saw a betrayal, now you can notice that behind the disloyalty lies an imbalance: someone in the family never took their place, an old betrayal was not told, a secret continues to weigh heavy.
Simply put, the systemic representation not only shows the problem, but also how it relates to a larger context. It's like turning on a light in a dark room and suddenly you see all the furniture around you - then you can walk without tripping.
2. Infidelity as a symptom and not as a cause
In everyday life we have learned to see infidelity as the very «disease» of the relationship: the point where all is lost. But in the systems approach, infidelity is not seen as the cause of the problem, but the symptom. Like a fever; a fever indicates that something is wrong in the body, but it is not the problem itself.
When infidelity occurs, it is usually preceded by a period of time when the relationship is not balanced. One partner may feel that they are giving more than they are getting, that they are not being listened to, or that their needs are not being acknowledged. Sometimes these patterns do not start in the relationship, but are rooted deep in the family of origin. For example:
- A man who grew up watching his father betray his mother may - without meaning to - repeat the same pattern.
- A woman who felt neglected as a child may seek the attention of a third party when she feels neglected again in her relationship.
Infidelity, then, often comes as bell. It shows you that something in the relationship (or even further back, at the roots) has lost its balance. It may be a need for more intimacy, respect, recognition or equality. And as long as this deeper issue remains invisible, the infidelity acts as a «message» that forces you to look at it.
Simply put: unbelief does not fall from the sky. It is the obvious result of an unseen mechanism waiting to be recognized. Systemic representation comes precisely to help you see this mechanism clearly.
3. The role of family systems in relationships
No relationship starts from scratch. When two people meet, they not only come with their personalities, but they carry with them whole «family systems». It's as if two people walk into the room, but behind them stand silently parents, grandparents, old stories and secrets that were never told.
In the systemic representation this is very clear: many times infidelity does not only concern the couple, but is linked to older equilibria.
- A partner may unknowingly «represent» someone in the family who has been wronged or betrayed.
- Sometimes we see that behind infidelity is an unconscious need for «revenge» for something that happened to a previous generation.
- At other times, a child who grew up watching one parent constantly retreating, now an adult, enters relationships where he or she reproduces this imbalance - until an infidelity breaks out to «balance» (albeit wrongly) the scales.
A useful analogy is to imagine a mobile sculpture (mobile): if one piece is moved, all other pieces move. This is how the family works; if in a previous generation there was an injustice, a loss or a betrayal that was not acknowledged, the balance of the system «asks» to be restored. And this can manifest in your own relationship today, through something as painful as infidelity.
Understanding this dynamic is not to justify infidelity, but to show you that behind it there is often a larger scenario. And only when this scenario comes to light can you see if your relationship has room to breathe again or if it needs to be closed with respect.
. What happens in a systemic representation session
Many people when they hear «systemic representation» imagine something complicated or «theatrical». In reality, the process is much simpler than it sounds.
Imagine that you enter a room and the therapist asks you to choose objects or people that will «represent» the main people in your life: you, your partner, maybe a third person if there is one, but also elements from your family (e.g. your father or mother). These «representatives» are placed in the space as you feel them at that moment.
And then something striking begins to happen: through the way the representatives stand, look or express themselves, they emerge truths not seen before. For example, it may appear that your partner is «looking backwards», as if he or she is still attached to a former relationship. Or that you, without realizing it, are standing «beside» your mother, taking her place in her own pain from the betrayal she experienced.
You don't have to believe in something «magical» to make it work. It's like putting the pieces of a puzzle on the table; suddenly you see the whole picture that seemed confusing before.
The session is not about blaming who or saying «it's your fault». Instead, it shows with clarity:
- What role does infidelity play in the relationship.
- What hidden pattern feeds it.
- Which imbalances are waiting to be redressed.
Many people leave a session with a feeling of relief, not because they have found the «magic solution», but because for the first time they understand what is really going on. And this understanding is the first step in making a realistic decision: whether they want to give the relationship a second chance or whether it's time to move on.
5. The possibility of reversal or cessation of infidelity
The big question that those in this position have is: «Can infidelity be stopped?» The truth is that yes, in some cases it can. But not in all cases.
The systemic representation helps to clarify this «yes» or «no». It's like opening a window in a room full of smoke; suddenly you can see clearly what's inside.
When can infidelity be stopped
- When infidelity works like a «bell»: One partner leaves to a third person, but deep down he doesn't want to lose the relationship. The representation shows that what is missing is not love, but balance (e.g. the need for respect, personal space, equality in give and take).
- When there is awareness: If the person who has become unresponsive understands through the session the real gap he is trying to fill, he can recognize it and turn back to his partner.
- When the couple wants to stay together: The prerequisite is that there is a shared desire to work and commitment. Representation can bring out this common purpose and show the path to end infidelity.
When it is difficult to stop infidelity
- When infidelity is a symptom of a deeper rupture: If the relationship is already «over» in terms of commitment or love, then infidelity simply brings to the surface what is there.
- When it is a repeated pattern: If one partner carries a strong family pattern of betrayal or abandonment, with no willingness to work on it, then infidelity often continues.
- When there is no desire to change: Representation shows the truth, but it cannot force someone to change if they don't want to.
The bottom line is that the systemic representation does not promise miracles. It does not say «yes, you will be saved» or «no, there is no hope.» But it does enable you to see clearly what is happening and to know whether it is worth fighting or whether you need to move on. And that in itself is redemptive: it stops the uncertainty and helps you make a decision with truth.
6. What can be changed through the process
A systemic reconstruction session is not just to see if the relationship will be saved or not. It's mostly about understanding what is really going on inside you and around you. This understanding can bring changes you never imagined before.
Relief from the vicious circle of guilt and blame
When there is infidelity, most people are trapped in two roles: the one who was betrayed feels anger and guilt («what did I do wrong?»), while the one who cheated lives between shame and defense. In the systemic representation this «confusion» is illuminated. Instead of the burden being placed on one person, the Box that led to the act. This in itself reduces anger and frees up space for clearer decisions.
Understanding the real causes
You may discover that the infidelity is not related to your worth, but to something much deeper that the other person carries from their family. Or that you brought into the relationship a need of your own that was never expressed. When you see the causes, you stop confusing them with your personal value.
Creating internal balance
The systemic representation does not tell you what to do, but gives you the power of pure choice. You may come out of the session feeling empowered, whether you decide to continue with your partner or move on. It's like walking in the dark with fear and suddenly holding a flashlight: the path is the same, but now you can see it clearly and feel safe to take your step.
Room for reconnection or healthy closure
In some cases, understanding brings the couple closer together and the infidelity stops. In others, it helps to put a dot with respect: to leave without carrying hatred, bitterness or questions. In both cases, the gain is freedom and peace of mind.
7. Systemic representation does not say «stay» or «divorce»
One of the most common questions asked by those thinking of trying systemic representation is: «Will the therapist tell me what to do? Will he tell me to divorce or stay?»
The answer is clear: not.
Systemic representation is neither a seer nor a «judge» of your relationship. It does not decide for you, does not direct you, does not tell you «it's his fault» or «this is right/wrong».
What it does is show you the real picture behind the events. It's like holding a mirror and seeing for the first time not only your face, but everything that stands behind you: the family patterns, the imbalances, the unresolved issues.
With this picture in front of you, you decide:
- Do you want to fight to restore balance to your relationship?;
- Do you want to move on to a new path, without being burdened by the past?;
The value of the method is right here: it gives you purity and freedom. You no longer stay in a relationship out of fear or guilt, but neither do you leave in a hurry just out of anger. You have the facts in front of you and you make the decision that suits your soul.
In short, systemic representation is not a «relationship survival guide», but truth lens. And when you see the truth, the choice becomes simpler - even if it is difficult.
8. Examples from practice
Example 1: The woman who experienced infidelity
A woman comes to the session devastated. Her partner cheated on her and she felt like her life was falling apart. The re-enactment showed something unexpected: she was standing next to her mother, who had also experienced a betrayal that was never overcome. Without realizing it, the woman was carrying the same pain and had identified with it. This understanding gave her strength: instead of sinking into a sense of «I am a victim», she was able to see that she was repeating an old pattern. It enabled her to decide clearly whether she wanted to stay or leave, without being held in bondage by her family past.
Example 2: The man who was unfaithful
One man admitted to having an extramarital affair. He wanted to understand «why he was doing it» while claiming to love his wife. In the session it appeared that in his heart he had never «said goodbye» to an old relationship that had ended ingloriously. It was as if he was living with one foot in the present and one foot in the past. Infidelity was not a lack of love for his wife, but a way of keeping that old chapter open. The re-enactment helped him to see clearly that he needed to complete that «old bond» in order to be able to fully stand in the relationship.
Example 3: The couple who wanted to see the truth
A couple came together after a revelation of infidelity. At first there was a lot of anger. In the re-enactment, however, it became apparent that the infidelity was not so much about the third person as about the feeling of inequality in the relationship: one felt that he was carrying all the weight while the other was taking. This dynamic was rooted in one's family, where the same pattern was repeated. When they both saw this, they stopped blindly blaming each other and decided to work together to bring balance.
9. For whom the method is suitable in cases of infidelity
Systemic representation can be useful for different people who experience infidelity from different positions. There is no «right» or «wrong» candidate; the method appeals to anyone who wants to look behind the obvious facts and understand what is really going on.
For the one who was betrayed
If you are the person who found out that your partner cheated, re-enactment can help you get out of the deadlock of anger and doubt. It gives you answers to the «why» without putting the burden on your personal worth. So you can decide whether you want to give it a second chance or walk away with a clear conscience.
For he who has been unfaithful
If you are the person who committed the infidelity, the method gives you space to understand what led you there. It is not about «excuse», but about understanding: is it about unmet needs? Are you repeating a family pattern? This understanding helps you to take responsibility and decide if you want to truly stand in your relationship again.
For couples at a crossroads
If you are a couple struggling with infidelity and don't know if it makes sense to stay together, re-enactment can reveal the essence: is there still a bond worth saving or is the relationship over? This clarification often brings relief to both, regardless of the final decision.
In short, the method is suitable for anyone who does not want to remain immersed in doubts, accusations or guilt, but is seeking purity and strength to move forward.
Conclusion - Infidelity as a starting point for a new course
Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a relationship can have. At first it seems like an ending; but the systemic representation shows us that it is often also a top. A start to see with a clear eye what is really going on in your relationship and what patterns you are carrying behind you.
The method does not offer easy solutions nor does it promise «saving» by force. What it does give is clarity:
- If there is still a bond and love, it can help to reverse infidelity and rebuild trust.
- If the relationship has already ended, it shows you how to leave with respect and without carrying guilt or bitterness.
In essence, systemic representation is a tool that takes you out of the darkness of question marks and leads you to a new path - whether it is with your partner or on a path of your own.
Unfaithfulness, however cruel, need not remain only as a wound. It can be an occasion for deeper understanding, healing and personal power. And in this journey, the systemic representation is a torch that shines where until yesterday there was only confusion.
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