Some zodiac signs dream of retiring with a deckchair in Bali, others dream of becoming... influencers of old age. What do you imagine?
what are you going to do when retirement arrives? If you've wondered what each sign does in old age, how they plan to spend their golden years, or are just looking for a little zodiac humor (because life is short and bills are long), this article is for you. Zodiac signs and money, zodiac signs and pensions, zodiac signs and... carousing in a bingo club - all in! Let's take a look at how each sign will retire and why some will fail... miserably (but in style).
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♈ Aries
Aries does not retire. He is forced to retire when the rest of the office can no longer stand his ideas for radical changes in the way the copier operates. Even at 67, he insists on taking on new projects, doing start-ups for CBD cosmetics and throwing out phrases like «there is no such thing as too late, there is “a little passion”“. They send him off with a gift of a gold powerbank - just in case he stops charging himself with coffee.
On the first day of retirement he decides to start training for Ironman. On the second day he opens Instagram to post motivational quotes like «I'm not unemployed - I'm on a mission». On the third he starts flirting with his yoga instructor. Retirement for Aries means more energy, fewer excuses. If you're looking for him, he's somewhere doing something epic, daring and probably illegal.
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♉ Taurus
Taurus is waiting for retirement like others wait for Black Friday. Since 35 he has had a «Retirement Spa Fund» account and every month he enriches it with love and interest. When the day comes, he doesn't just get excited - he orders catering to celebrate. Where? In his garden. With truffle risotto. And soft jazz in the background.
His dream? To buy a stone house on an island and collect capers and chrysanthemums. He wakes up at 10, waters basil, pours matcha, watches Netflix in a fleece robe and hits mute on the outside world. Some people take trips to retirement. Taurus does one: on the couch. With stops for sushi and power naps in between. The joy of the NFC is the happiness of the Bull.
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♊ Gemini
Gemini does not retire - changes profession to “professional life commentator”. He starts a podcast called “Third Age, First Line” and uploads daily vlogs from the coffee shop where he explains why Bitcoin will never die. His friends say he can't stop talking. He says «this is an idea for TikTok».
In retirement he finds the time to do all the things he said he «would start as soon as he had time». He learns Icelandic, sets up a webinar on “storytelling in love” and writes frantically on forums about aliens. Retired Gemini is busier than ever, just without a boss. Unless a boss is considered his existential anxiety.
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♋ Cancer
Cancer retires with tears, hugs, gifts from colleagues and powerpoint with baby photos and the music of Titanic. He spends the first month organizing his old emails into themed folders and baking gingerbread cookies - in June. His purpose? To make his home an Airbnb... but only for people who need «a little love and care.».
His big plan in retirement is to become a professional grandmother/grandfather to friends who don't have parents available. He makes handmade soaps, cooks for a neighborhood and founded Retired with Heart™, a volunteer hug network. If you're looking for him, look for him where he smells of semolina and emotion. Cancer doesn't retreat - he expands emotionally.
♌ Leo
Leo does not retire. He is honorarily proclaimed Leader of Golden Life. When that day comes, he throws a retirement party with dress code «Old Hollywood Glam» and Marinella's nephew as guest DJ. The office bids him farewell with applause, confetti and a “Lifetime Achievement in Being Fabulous” award. Leo applauds himself because... who else would do it so gracefully?;
His retirement routine includes brunch with mimosas, shopping therapy for «casual aging», and “silver fox in Santorini” type photo shoots. A self-proclaimed influencer, he is writing an autobiography titled “My Life as a Throne” and appears every so often on panels on “the power of style after 65”. For Leo, the money can end - but the drama never does.
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♍ Virgo
Virgo is the only person who has built Excel with a retirement plan since she was 27. It includes fund management, a vaccination schedule after 60 and a built-in tab for recording fridge temperature. When the long-awaited day finally arrives, she puts on her good cardigan, hands over a complete file to her replacement and bids the office farewell with a quiet bow and some Dettol.
After retirement, she transforms herself into a personal life coach for her friends. She organizes their lives, declutters their souls and kitchens, and builds Google Forms to help them find their passion. If you can't find her, she's probably at home with a white face mask, a perfectly groomed fern, and a self-improvement book she's already proofread in red pen.
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♎ Libra
The retired Libra takes the time to... decide how it feels to be retired. He starts by writing a Facebook status with 47 emojis and a poem about the new era. At the retirement ceremony, he wears an outfit he chose six months earlier and is accompanied by Edith Piaf background music. He leaves behind a desk artwork and a chair with a special place for a flowerpot.
If you ask him where he is now that he is not working, he will answer «everywhere and nowhere». He's into interior design, macramé classes he never dared to take and writes a blog called “The Aesthetics of Maturity”. In between, she wonders if she made the right decision to leave. Again. But at least she has style.
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♏ Scorpio
Scorpio never says he's retired. He says he has “moved on to the next stage of his evolutionary mission.” When he announces his retirement, he does so with a half-smile, a suggestive look and a line like «It's time to come full circle - but who said the circle was for you?» The office after his departure is cold.
He lives his retirement with absolute secrecy and passion. He may move to a small hut in Pelion and write erotic novels under a pseudonym, or practice magic and energy cleansing. No one knows. Those close to him say he has found absolute peace. Others say he's preparing a comeback. The truth is... you'll never know.
♐ Sagittarius
Sagittarius can't stand the idea of retirement - he calls it «liberation from daily slavery» and leaves work with a backpack, passport and tears of emotion... from others. He has already booked a flight to South America and sold half his possessions to become a «digital nomadic elderly man». If you're looking for him, he's probably taking capoeira lessons with other people's grandchildren.
In his new life he volunteers at shamanic retreats, uploads stories from trails with the caption «the best things come when you leave it all behind» and flirts with inappropriate people on different continents. Sagittarius doesn't retire - he goes out into the universe. And whoever manages to catch him wins a sticker that reads “I'm living life to the fullest - no supermarket coupons.”
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♑ Capricorn
Capricorn has no time to retire. He is probably unaware that he can leave work, as he is even working on his farewell ceremony. When he's finally convinced to retire, he only does so because he's told he can continue to make money from investments. The gift from a colleague? A printed Excel of the vacation days he never got.
After retirement, he opens a consulting firm for other retirees. He organises talks entitled “Success after 65: Don't sit back - invest” and declares himself «only part-time absentee». His grandchildren watch him on Zoom. His friends beg him to go to the movies at least once. But Capricorn has other plans: to become the richest ... retiree in his municipality.
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♒ Aquarius
Aquarius retires with an enthusiasm of «finally, I can make the documentary about societies without money!». At the office he is greeted with mixed emotions: joy, awe, and a little horror because no one ever figured out exactly what he did. He announces that «it was an honor to work with you, although I believe that work is a social construction.».
What does he do next? He builds DIY shelters for immigrants, mentors robotics hackathons for the elderly, and organizes secret meetings to create a new political system based on numerology. The word “retirement” for Aquarius equals total intellectual freedom and copious video calls with friends from Andromeda.
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♓ Pisces
Pisces retires quietly, like an Elytis poem read by a sea breeze. No parties, no retirement emails. He just... disappears one day and is seen months later in a video shot in a pottery studio with the caption “I discovered who I've always been.” He always had a secret retirement account called «Journey to the Dream».
Now she wakes up without an alarm clock, talks to pots with passion, paints fairies and writes impromptu hymns to love. His grandchildren call him «the grandfather who dreams» and ask him for advice on love, and he answers them in verse. Pisces in retirement is no longer a man. He is... a liquid diffusion phenomenon with nuggets of wisdom and glitter.
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